The Person Behind The Mask

Maybe I have been lost in life my entire life and didn't know it. Now I have so much time on my hands and I don't know what to do. I retired three months ago and feel so alone and lost. I d0n't know what to do. I went out on the internet looking for someone who experienced what I am going thru. I could only find how people lost their retirement money not how they are lost. I don't know why I created this blog and I am not really sure what I am doing. But I do know if I don't put my thoughts down somewhere I may go nuts. I had concerns about retiring that is why I went to a therapist about six months before.

Just retiring didn't start these feelings of lost I have had them my entire life but I was so busy with working, children and everything that goes with it I didn't have so much time on my hands to see it. I was never really taught how to do it, live life that is. I grew up in foster care and the orphanage and I would just adapt to how I should act and be. I was invisible to most and I would get up everyday and go thru the motions to be accepted and get by so I could be normal like everyone else. I was so good at acting normal I believed I was normal like everyone else. At lease I convinced myself of that. I was just a person behind a mask. It was a mask that I created so I could be like everyone else, normal. Did I have fun in Life? Yes I did. there were some fun times. I have been so blessed even down to the job I retired from. I don't know how I got that position over so many others more qualified but I did and I was good. I was proud of the job I did. My identify was my job and there is no more job and no more me.